August 2008
56 posts
Why I could never be a developer...
(Aside from the math, algorithms, coding and general dorkiness)
Ben received the following email from a RulerPhone customer…
“Hi Ben,
I was wondering if you planned or if there was an option to switch the measurements to fractions, like 1/2, 1/3, etc., “
Ben’s immediate response :Huh, that’s not a bad idea.
My response: Tough effing luck buddy, figure it out.
So Jiggy People Only Take The Express Train?
Subjects: Two subwaygoers, clad in baggy denim jeans and logo emblazoned tees.
Guy 1: Man
Guy 2: Man, I know.
Guy 1: No one.
Guy 2: Lets try and switch to the 4/5 at the next stop.
[Doesn't work out.]
Guy 2: Whatever we'll just get off at 14th.
Guy 1: Man, there's nobody on this train dressed right.
Guy 2: [Oblivious to how loud he's speaking] Man! The only one jiggy sittin' right here [he demurely head-bobs towards me].
[I try so hard not to crack up. If I crack a smile, I may lose jiggy points.]
Guy 1: Man, I know. That's why I hate these damn local trains.
RulerPhone iPhone app makes measuring tape extinct...
This is a pivotal moment. Bigger than electricity, nail polish and caller ID. For all iphone-bearing citizens, these three words may never have to be coupled together again: Do. You. Have. A. Tape. Measurer.
Yes I do. It’s in my iPhone, and it works. It’s name is RulerPhone, and my friends (let’s see, that’s 103 of you), it measures up to 10 feet with almost-perfect...
I have a 12:15 appointment
After arriving 23 minutes early to my appointment, I diligently fill out my new patient paperwork and take my seat.
Patient 2: [In walks a brunette patient.] Hi I'm [not important] I have a 12:30 to see Dr. Spine (no that's not really his name).
Receptionist: OK have a seat.
[I think to myself, wow she's going to have to wait a long time, considering that I haven't even been seen.
Receptionist: OK patient 2 Dr. Spine will see you now.
[I jump out of my unloved waiting chair.]
Me: Hi. I have a 12:15, and you just took the 12:30 back --
Receptionist: [She cuts me off] Oh he will be 10 minutes and then he will see you.
[15 minutes pass]
Receptionist: So it looks like your insurance, blah blah blah, so do you want to just pay now?
Me: I'm not concerned with insurance. I'm more concerned with the fact that you don't honor appointment times--
Receptionist: [She cuts me off again] Oh let me see where he is. [To the rest of the office staff] Do you know where Dr. Spine is? [She picks up the phone, gets an answer and turns to me] Oh he is with a patient, it should be 10 minutes.
Me: I know he is with a patient. He is with his 12:30, and I am his 12:15.
Receptionist: Would you like to reschedule?
Where am I? Did I move to Guam? WTF!
One Hundred Pushups
Ben: Hey do you want to do this one hundred pushups plan with me?
Me: I've heard of it. What is it exactly?
Ben: It's a daily plan that ends with a target goal of 100 pushups.
Me: And then what happens?
Ben: What do you mean what happens, you do 100 pushups.
Me: You do 100 pushups, and then what?
Ben: And then money falls from the sky.
Me: OK.
I’ve lived in this building for two months and I knocked on my neighbors door once to pick up something. Before I could even introduce myself she shut the door on me.
In the 15 minutes that my mom has been in the city, she’s on a first name name basis with the butcher (apparently I have a butcher), knows all the employees at Sona Nails around the corner, has met three people that live...
Ben: Look I implemented a video into the site, so if and when my application gets approved people can--
Me: Our room is messy. How could you film a messy room?
Ben: No one cares. I'm measuring our window sill.
Me: Yeah but it's a mess, no one wants to look at that. You can't post that.
Ben: What's wrong with you?
I hate to do this →
“You gave up huh? Heha!!!”
– said the homeless man—who apparently hadn’t given up on life— as I finished the last bit of a painful 3.5 mile run.
Crying Over Spilled 'Nanas
I got hit so hard that my bodega-bought bananas flew out of my hand. All three. Onto the lived-in (literally!) sidewalk on 51st St. “Oooh,” I yelled as I braced my body for contact. My instinctual put-up-the-forearm technique hasn’t yet factored in accounting for items-in-hand. It’s a work in progress, as am I.
The guilty party was a happy-go-lucky couple clad in khaki...
Old Spice Vs. Issey Miyake
It snuck in like a thief in the night. Before I knew it, an entire bottle of Old Spice waddled its way next to me, and a man—at least I think it was a man—doused in the cologne sat with it. It was a typical morning on the 6 train, I was headed uptown fully engaged in my book until the Spice Man got on. When he sat down next to me, the edge of his cruddy t-shirt touched my J.Crew sleeve (I was...
Leitch: Why the Olympics Are the Reality TV of... →
I don’t necessarily agree with everything he’s said here, but I loved every minute of this article.
“Sometimes you gotta just love a man in tights”
– Me. Watching Phelp-y take home another gold.
Chinese women's gymnastics team
Ben: There is absolutely no way--
Me: I know, she is 11 if that.
Ben: She cannot be 16.
Me: Absolutely no way that girl is 16-years old.
Ben: Totally.
Me: It's like that card game BS, when it's your turn and you're supposed to throw down 5s and you don't have any, so you claim the bare minimum--which is a dead giveaway of a bad BS'er--and say,"one 5"... They should have said the girls were 17, or some other age. It's not like 17 would be any more believable than 16, but at least they wouldn't fall into the dead-giveaway zone...I'm gonna post this on my blog.
Ben: Um, that's probably not a good idea.
Me: Why?
Ben: 'Cuz the Chinese head of state will send someone over here to kill you.
Me: Crap, I already started typing.
“I’ll have you know that I was voted best physique in high...”
I'm a Thespian
My eyelids are hanging on for dear life. It’s only 1AM and I feel like it’s much later. I had an exhausting day, followed by a theatrical treat — I was invited invited myself to see Boeing Boeing on Broadway. I spent half the night ogling the Mies van der Rohe Barcelona chairs on stage and the remaining part of the show I sat in a swirly trance of primary colors (three of the...
How Are You Employed?
The Abridged version
Last Wednesday
Me: Hi I'm Rebecca with [redacted] and working on a story with [redacted]. Blah blah balh I need a photo of Sara*.
Agent: Ohhhh…umm… OK…umm…yeah great…can you send me an email so I can send a photo back?
Me: Sure. [Off the phone.]
Email sent 30 seconds later.
Thursday
I send a follow up email. "Hi AGENT, per our conversation yesterday, blah blah blah."
Result: Nothing
EOD (end of day): I call AGENT.
Agent: Ohhh…….OK…..yes……I can do that for you…..sure….great.
Me: Great. Send now. Thanks. Bye.
Friday
Nothing in inbox from agent.
I send another follow up email, being sure to forward Thursday's along with it. Paper trail, paper trail.
EOD: I place a call to AGENT and expect her to be annoyed with me. Surprisingly she isn't. Un-surprisingly she has the same response: Ohh….OK --
Me: [I cut her off] I'm sorry, my deadline has passed, I really need to get the photo otherwise I can't include Sara in the piece, and I'm really excited about having her in there (barf – I hate rewarding mediocrity with compliments).
Monday
I send another follow-up email, forwarding the two from previous week. My editor tells me she needs the story EOD. I don't turn in things late. Ever. Ever ever ever. If I have to stop time dead in its tracks I will do so. I get it done. And if I can't get it done, I get it done anyway. By the afternoon I find my own dam* pictures (without permission of course) and send to agent. This way I can make her life easier. All she has to do is say, "Yes you can use that, please credit TK photographer."
No response.
I make another call to AGENT.
Me: Hi, it's Rebecca again, I still haven't received a photo from you and – (she cuts me off!).
AGENT: Yeah…..I got those (pause) pictures you sent me (You did, well why the heck didn't you respond!) and Sara's agent thinks they are just too old. You know, they really aren't recent enough and (no kidding, well why the heck don't you send me some that will work) so let me go through now (now, now! You mean you haven't even begun to fulfill my request?)and see what I can….ummm…yeah let me see what I can find.
[Silence. I refuse to hang up.]
Me: Great so is this something you can do now?
AGENT: Well…..umm….I need to wrap things up and umm see what I can find–
Me: OK, I need them today or the story cannot run.
AGENT: Umm….OK……well I will get started on this.
It's been 30 minutes. No picture.
Argh. How do people keep their jobs?
Ben: I was just reading your blog, you don't think that application is cool?
Me: Not really.
Ben: What if you were in Paris and wanted to know how close you were to the Prada store?
Me: That's absurd, it's a block away from the Seine.